Now you are one. Where did the last year go? It only feels like yesterday that we were sharing those intimate moments in the darkness when you had woken for a feed and fallen back asleep in my arms. Sometimes even though it was 3am I didn't rush back to bed. I sat there staring at you, memorising every idyllic feature of your perfect face. I kissed your eyes, your nose, your lips and your cheeks that are so adorable sometimes I just want to gobble them up. I breathed in your delicious scent that was so addictive it should be bottled, but if someone asked me what it smelt like I could not tell them. It is just you. Everything is perfect when you are asleep in my arms. What could possibly be wrong in the world? Nothing else matters outside that blissful cocoon of motherly love that is sometimes so overwhelming it takes your breath away and makes your heart beat really really fast.
And then you are awake. You are attached to my leg. Crying, whinging and sooking, yet I do not know what you want. What will make you happy? I try food and a bottle, I wipe your nose, change your nappy, I even stick your dummy in your mouth to encourage the sound of silence. I give in and pick you up. I stop what I am doing and give you my undivided attention. It is all that you wanted. You are smiling again. You take hold of my hands and put them together in a clapping motion for it makes you laugh. I forget that the house is a mess, that the emails are unread and that dinner is not yet thought of, but none of that matters. I am caught up in your curious world where every object offers an unrivaled fascination. I watch you take delight at the most innocent of things...a piece of fluff, a ball, a picture book. Your thoughts are so pure. Time passes and nothing has been achieved other than keeping you quite, still, happy. But it is all that I needed in that moment. You feel safe and every once in a while you will stop your exploring, wrap your arms around me and bury your face in my neck. Surely there is no better feeling?
It is time to sleep again. As is our routine, we lay down on the big bed for a nap. You do not fight me anymore. You lay your arm down on the pillow ready to wrap around the nook of my neck so you can play with my hair. You lie facing me, only centimeters away from my face. I close my eyes to encourage you to do the same, and after 3 verses of "Hush Little Baby" you are breathing deeply and your lashes are closed shut against those precious cheeks. Your fingers continue to twirl my hair. I open my eyes to watch you sleep. I stare at the features I know so well, never tiring of their shape or the blemishes that only a mother could love. There are things to be done on the other side of the door containing this blissful state of slumber and I know I must unravel myself without waking you to get my jobs done. But for a little while longer I do not move. I continue to stare at your perfect face and wonder with amazement how I created such a thing. How did I know love before this? I continue to lie there. Just for a little while longer...
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